Patrick K.W Chan Is a Very Nice Man

Unfortunately, no prank calls this time; getting these guys to give up a phone number is sometimes pretty hard. There's a pretty decent Photochop near the end though, so read on!

As I said in the title, Mr. Patrick K. W. Chan is a very nice man indeed:


Subject: RESPONSE NEEDED
Dear Friend,


I am Mr. Patrick Chan Executive Director and Chief Financial Officer of the Hang
Seng Bank Ltd. I have a Business Proposal of Thirty Million United State
Dollars ($30,000,000.00) for you to handle with me.


If interested I will prefer you reach me on my private email address below:
Email: (patrickchan_hk212@yahoo.com.hk)We are going to share in the ratio of 60%
for me and 40% for you.


And finally after that I shall provide you with more light on this transaction.
Your earliest response to this letter will be highly appreciated.


Regards,


Mr.Patrick K.W Chan.

I chose this one because I was rather intrigued by the total lack of story; most of these guys come up with elaborate narratives wherein...well, The King of Nigeria has died of cancer and the crooked finance minister needs my help to steal his fortune or some such. But this guy gets right to the point, so I did too.

Subject: Re: RESPONSE NEEDED

I have received your request for assistance in the matter of the disbursement of Thirty Million United States Dollars, which will be divided as follows: Sixty Per Cent (60%) to be transferred to you and Forty Per Cent (40%) to be disbursed in to my account. I am most eager to proceed and I would like you to return my electronic mail as soon as possible.

Yours in Christ,
Adam T. Discordia

A mere 13 hours later, he tells me the entire story. It could make a pretty decent movie: A Colonel in the Iraqi army hides a bunch of money and is killed by the imperialist aggressors. I'll let Mr. Patrick K, W. Chan explain:

Subject: GET BACK TO ME
Dear Friend,

I appreciate your response to me.Below is the detailed story of what really happend.

Before the U.S and Iraqi war our client Col. Hosam Hassan who was with the Iraqi forces and also business man made a numbered fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, with a value of Thirty million United State Dollars ($30,000,000.00) only in my branch. Upon maturity several notices was sent to him, even during the war early this year. Again after the war another notification was sent and still no response came from him.

We later find out that Col. Hosam Hassan along with his wife and only daughter had been killed during the war in a bomb blast that hit their home.What bothers me most is that according to the laws of my country at the expiration 4 years the funds will revert to the ownership of the Hong Kong Government if nobody applies to claim the funds.

Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I will like you as a foreigner to stand as the next of kin to Col. Hosam Hassan so that you will be able to receive his funds.I have contacted an attorney that will prepare the necessary document that will back you up as the next of kin to Col.Hosam Hassan.

There is no risk involved at all in the matter as we are going to adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents.
Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue.Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we shall share in the ratio of 60% for me, 40% for you, please send me information,s below,

1. Full names and Age

2. Private phone number

3. Current residential address.

And finally after that I shall provide you with more details on this transaction. Your earliest response to this letter will be highly appreciated.

Kind Regards,

Mr. Patrick K.W Chan.

So, Mr. Patrick K.W Chan doesn't want much: just for me to commit an act of treason. What the hell; I'll play along. I've listened to Bill O'Reilly so I know that everyone who helped put the Democrats back in control of Congress hate this country and are just itching to betray it for a measly $12 million. Or $12. Well I voted Democrat, so I guess I qualify:

Dear Mr. Chan Patrick,

Given my feelings towards the Current United State Government and the illegal war currently in Iraq, I will be much more than pleased to aid with your disbursments of these fund, which are $30,000,000 (Thirty Million United States Dollars.) To that end, here are my pertinent informations:

Name: Adam Tiberius Discordia
Age: 32
Occupation: Plumber

Yours in Christ,
Adam Tiberius Discordia

I did volunteer some additional "informations" in the hope that I would live up to my reputation as a "person of unequaled integrity and trustworthiness." OK, no one's said that about me yet, but I'm sure it's only because I haven't gotten that particular spam yet.

Anyway, he gets back to me the next morning with MORE DETAILS:

Dear Adam,

Thank you very much for your response, and your interest in this transaction, Like I said before,due to this issue on my hands now,it became necessary for me to seek your assistance, I appreciate the fact that you are ready to assist me in executing this project,and also you will help me in investing my money in your country, I am quite certain about that.

You should not have anything to worry about, I will do everything legally required to ensure that the project goes smoothly,it shall pass through all Laws of International Banking, you have my word.

Having resolved to entrust this transaction into your hands, I want to remind you that,it needs your commitment and diligent follow up.If you work seriously,the entire transaction should be over in a couple of days.

READ THE FOLLOWING AND GET BACK TO ME:

Firstly, I will want to know precisely the type of occupation that you do and how old you are, you should note that this project is highly capital intensive, this is why I have to be very careful, I need your total devotion and trust to see this through. I know we have not met before,but I am very confident that we will be able to establish the necessary trust that we need to execute this project.

I am now in contact with a foreign online bank, I now intend that you open an account in your name in this foreign bank.The money would be transfered to your account which you will open in the bank for both of us, this is the best way,I have found,it will protect us from my bank.

I want us to enjoy this money in peace when we conclude. So you should listen to my instructions and follow them religiously. Also You have to know that I cannot transfer this money in my name as my bank will be aware that it is from me, this is where I need you.

As result of this,you will have to open an account in the corresponding bank. I will obtain a certificate of deposit from this my bank,it will be issued in your name, this will make you the bonafide owner of the funds.

After this,the money will be banked online for both of us,We can then instruct the bank to transfer our various shares into our respective home bank accounts. I will also perfect the documentations with the assistance of my attorney to give the transaction the legal right.

Before I commence,I will need you to send me a copy of any form your identification (Driver's licence,Work ID or International passport) and your current address.

I want to be sure that I am transacting with the correct person. As soon as I get these from you,I will commence the paper work.I hope you will understand why I need all these, the money in question is big and I want to ensure that I know you well before I proceed to give you all the details to commence the project. I will also send you my Work Identification and my family picture upon receipt of your identification.

I will send the name and contact details of the bank and their website to you so that you can commence communication with them.

Ensure that you keep this project confidential, do not discuss it with anybody, because of the confidential nature of this transaction and my work.

Please reply soonest.

Regards,

Your brother,

Patrick Chan.

Well, that's interesting. I already volunteered much of the "informations" he specifically asked for. Maybe he, like my former Beloved MRS. MARY PARKER isn't really reading my emails. I sense I'm getting close to getting a phone number and I eagerly give the details that I gave before:

Dear Mr. Patrick Chan,

Thank you for your prompt reply. I am sure we will both profit greatly in this endeavour. Here are the relevant information:

Full name: Adam Tiberius Discordia
Age: 32 years
Occupation: Independent Plumber

Please get back soon.

Best Regards,
Adam Tiberius Discordia

Now I wait for that sweet, sweet phone number. But alas, it wasn't to be; he really is reading the emails:

Subject: IDENTITY NEEDED

Dear Adam,

I appreciate your response so far.I want you to scan and send your identity to me via mail attachment so that i can easily forward to my Attorney who is going to put together the paper work that will make you stand as the next of kin and the sole beneficiary of the total funds.

I will be expecting your identity soonest.

Regards,

Your Brother,

Patrick Chan.

Crap! He wants a real ID! After giving it some thought, I decide to see if I can Photoshop Mr. Adam Tiberius Discordia a driver's license. I do a Google Image Search and an hour later, come up with this:

Dear Patrick,

I apologize for my former negligence. I was quite tired and simply forgot to include my identification, but here it is now. I sincerely hope I did not hold up our enterprise significantly.

Respond Soon Please,
Adam Tiberius Discordia



It wouldn't get you into a club, but It ought to fool Mr. Patrick K.W Chan, or so I thought:

Dear Adam,

How are you doing today.I want you to know that your identity was not accepted.I want you to scan and send either your work identity or international passport so that we can conclude the paper work soonest.

I will be expecting your identity soonest.

Regards,

No, I didn't cut off his name. That's all he sent, though I think the thing that hurts the most is that I'm no longer "His Brother." Oh well. It seems so far that I have the last word though:

Dear Chan Patrick, (His email name is CHAN PATRICK but he signs everything as Patrick K.W Chan -ed)

I assure you the identity I sent you is quite valid. I am Adam Tiberius Discordia and I am willing to do any and all things to move this transaction forward. Please reply with the bank informations as soon as is possible.

Yours in Christ,
Adam T. Discordia

I don't really expect a reply on this but if I get one, I'll be sure to update soonest.

The Saga of MRS MARY PARKER Part 2: "Is that the reason why you call me?"

If you haven't read part 1, take a minute and do that now. Just scroll down. A reverse-chronological order would probably work better for something like this, but Blogger is free and I'm cheap. SO DEAL WITH IT!








Back yet? OK. You may have noticed in the last email in Part 1 that our Mr. Kelvin Kessinger left a phone number (+44-7011-1475-09.) Vonage offers free calls to England, so I decided to give him a call.

Call #1 (MP3 32kbps 2.7MB 11:42)

As a result of the call, I got two emails, one from "Mrs. Mary Parker" and one from the "Bank."

First, the one from "Mrs. Mary Parker."

Subject: PLEASE FROM MRS, MARY PARKER

Dear Beloved Adam Discordia,

Godday to you and your family,i got your mail,thank you for your willingness to help me may God continue to bless you and your family in jesus name.

Mr kelvin kessinger is a deep christian that have the fear of God in him,i new him in the past years as a devoted man of God.

He just wrote me that you call him on phone,please make sure you give him the necessary information so that the money will be transfer to your account immediately.

PLEASE,mr Adam Discordia have fear of God in you,so that the money will be use as i said,if you do that,God will continue to bless you and your family and favour will be your portion in jesus name amen.

please get back to me
thanks.

your sister in christ,
mrs mary parker

Mr. Kelvin Kessinger's bank is the most efficient operation I've ever seen. This email came in about 15 minutes after I got off the phone, which would mean that he emailed her immediately after he hung up. Then she would have to have been waiting on the computer and immediately emailed me. It's almost like it's the same guy...Oh, by the way this email came in at 5:38pm Pacific Time (UTC -8) which would make it 1:38am where he is. Lloyd's Bank sure stays open late.

Anyway, it's really quite early for me, so I don't waste much time drafting my response to my beloved "Mrs. Mary Parker."

My Dearest Most Beloved MRS MARY PARKER.

Very well, my love. If you tell me that Mr. Kessinger is indeed a deep Christian and does know Jesus in his heart, then I believe you, for evil men and impostors shall wax worse and worse, deceiving and being deceived. ( 2 Timothy 3:13)

Your Brother in Christ,
Adam Tiberius Discordia

Little did I realize this would be the last correspondence I would have with "Mrs. Mary Parker."

Here's the letter from Lloyd's Bank

Subject: RESPONSE FROM BANK AND YOUR REQUIREMENT (URGENT )

LLOYDS TSB BANK PLC
INTERNATIONAL BANKING DIVISION
PO BOX 19, HAYS LANE HOUSE 1
HAYS LANDLONDON SE1 2HA ENGLAND



ATTN:Adam Discordia,

RE: ACKNOWLEDGMENT

We acknowledge the receipt of your mail and the letter of Authority to our office. We hereby inform you that we have received a LETTER OF AUTHORIZATION from Mrs. Mary Parker, stating that you are her Benefactor to her funds in our bank, and that you will be making contact with us, to officially activate her account with us that is being dormant for a while now, thereafter make transfer on her behalf to your designated account.
Prior to this effect, We want you to provide the under listed information below to our office along with any form of your identification (INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT, DRIVERS LICENSE):

1. PHONE/FAX NUMBER:

2. PERSONAL IDENTIFICATION (i.e. Driver's license or International passport)


3. CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSIT (Issued at the point of depositing the funds)


The Minute we receive these information from you, we will start up with the immediate processing of your claims and thereafter send to you the mode by which you are to send the required fund for the activation of the said Account, before making transfer to your designated Account
Best Regards

Mr. Kelvin Kessinger
For: LLOYDS TSB
CC: Mrs. Mary Parker


Tel: +44-7011-1475-09
+44-7024-0181-04
+44-7024-0622-36

Fax : +4487-0478-4664


This message and any included attachments are from LLOYDS TSB. and are intended only for the addressee. The information contained in this message is confidential and may constitute inside or non-public information under international, federal, or state securities laws.

Unauthorized forwarding, printing, copying, distribution, or use of such information is strictly prohibited and may be unlawful. If you are not the addressee, please promptly delete this message and notify the sender of the delivery error by e-mail or you may call LLOYDS TSB. Corporate office in UK, at Tel: +44-7011-1475-09

New Yahoo! Mail is the ultimate force in competitive emailing. Find out more at the Yahoo! Mail Championships. Plus: play games and win prizes.
nd win prizes.

Now, I like to think I'm a savvy guy; I know when something doesn't smell right. I understand that the prospect of 1.5 million British Pounds is a tempting one and that the promise of such a large sum for free might cloud your judgment. But please remember, there ate no people out there that you've never met that want to give you their money. Furthermore, if you find this:

New Yahoo! Mail is the ultimate force in competitive emailing. Find out more at the Yahoo! Mail Championships. Plus: play games and win prizes.

At the end of an official email from the bank with the money, THEY ARE NOT A REAL BANK. Banks don't use Yahoo mail for official business. Does this guy really think people will fall for this?

Anyway, back to the story; I replied with this:

I am uncomfortable giving out personal information over electronic mail; any one can intercept it. I will phone you tomorrow and give the informations via telephone.

I'm also uncomfortable giving information to banks that use free email services, but I digress. I call him back the next day and decide this time to use the time zone difference to my advantage. I called him at 8:00pm Pacific (0400 UTC.) He was not at all happy to be hearing from me. Maybe Lloyd's Bank shouldn't be open 24 hours a day then. :D

Call #2 (MP3 32kbps 2.82 Kbps 12:20)

I'd like to say I learned a lot from my dealings with "Mrs. Mary Parker" and "Mr. Kelvin Kessinger." but I really didn't. I did get some good closure on this one though, so that's something. :D

Oh, and there's a real Lloyd's TSB, for what that's worth.