So the first email came to my Comcast (i.e. my sacrificial spam account) email address.
Subject: Dear Beloved
Dear Beloved,
I am Mrs. Mary Parker,the wife of Mr.Robert Parker,both of us, are citizens of the united state of America. my husband worked with the Chevron/Texaco in Russia for twenty years before he died in the year 2003.
We were married for ten years without a child. My Husband died after a brief illness. Before his death we both got born-again as dedicated Christians. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of 7.5 Million Pounds (Seven Million Five hundred Thousand Pounds) with a Bank in Europe.
This money is still with the Bank and the management just wrote me as the beneficiary that our account has been DORMANT and if I, as the beneficiary of the funds, do not re-activate the account; the funds will be CONFISCATED or I rather issue a letter of authorization to somebody to receive it on my behalf (note that you need to activate this account).
Presently, I'm in an hospital in Russia undergoing treatment for esophageal cancer.
I want a person that is God-fearing who will use this money to fund churches,orphanages and widows propagating the word of God.
Please my beloved for further communication, reach me on my private email address:xxxxxxx@yahoo.co.uk
Your Sister in Christ,
Mrs. Mary Parker
With the devout Christian theme and her vaguely creepy insistence on calling me her "beloved," I decide that this is a good one to reply to. Also, make note of the "esophageal cancer." It's little details like that which make these things believable. So I log into one of my fake Gmail accounts and send this:
Dear Mrs. Parker,
I have made receipt of your request for assistance with your late husband's monies, which is 7.5 million GBP (Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand Great Britain Pounds) in order that I would help spread the Word of the True Lord and Savior Jesus God of Gods, King of Kings. Please tell me what the next step in this process will be.
Yours in Christ,
Adam T. Discordia
I always (at least in the beginning) try to use the same language that they use. It's always hard to believe that they fall for it, but nine times out of ten, they do. "Mrs. Mary Parker" did. You may be wondering why I always refer to her as "Mrs. Mary Parker." I refer to her that way because she always refers to herself as "Mrs. Mary Parker." It takes longer to type than simply "Mary" or the more respectful "Mrs. Parker," but she's dying of cancer, so show some respect, you insensitive cock.
So anyway, "Mrs. Mary Parker" responded with this:
Subject: DETAILS FROM MRS.MARY PARKER
Dear Beloved,
I am most grateful for your mail,and I seize this opportunity to thank you for coming to my rescue.However,I crave your indulgence to kindly attend to this in good faith as everything is Legal and the funds belongs to my Late husband whom before his death was always helping Charitable organisation,Churches and NGO in the world.
I hope you were not too embarrassed by my first email to you since you do not know me. I had no option since the family of my husband in and outside Russia refused to distribute my husband funds because they wanted to keep it to themselves. I don't really know how to move the funds out and dispatched it to charity organizations, so I resulted to putting fate to test and making a random contact.
I got your email address from a private search which i did on the internet.I am communicating with only you at this moment with regards to this transaction. And I would not have any cause to do otherwise, except you state your intention to withdraw your assistance.Just like I stated in my first mail to you,this fund is presently with a bank in united kingdom (UK) and they would be able to tranfer the funds to you immediately if you adhere strictly to their directive.
I cannot distribute these funds myself because of the following reasons:
(1) I am undergoing medical treatment and It has defiled all forms of medicine, and right now I have only about a few months to live, according to medical experts diagnosis.
(2) I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul and so, I have decided to give help to charity organizations,churches and NGO, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth before my death. It is for this reasons I am seeking for your assistance to stand as the beneficiary to the fund and retrieve it on my behalf and dispatched it to charity organizations.I will be sending to you some names of these organizations too. All the necessary documents required to get the Funds out of the bank are with me.
However,before I proceed further in giving you the Bank contact, I want you to give me your words that you will be very honest and straight forward with me when the money gets to you and also,that you will be able to execute this Project successfully and help me dispatched it to charity organizations.As this is MY LAST WISH BEFORE MY DEATH TO SEE ME CONCLUDE THIS.
Thus,I would want you to get back to me on the following issues if you are ready to assist me:
(1) That you are in a position to be trusted as a God fearing person with such a large amount of fund been entrusted to you. Also, that you will dispatched it to charity organization and churches as I wanted it.
(2) That you are willing to contact the Bank company to discuss the terms of releasing the funds.
As soon as I receive your reply that you are ready to proceed under these terms, then I will furnish you with all details including the company. But if you have any questions to ask me, please ask and I will be more than happy to respond to them immediately.
I will be sending to you all the necessary documentations to conclude this Project.
Looking forward for your reply.
Remain bless.
Mrs.Mary Parker
It seems she's continued with the creepy appellation of "Beloved." She also claims that she found my email address in a "private search." I want to make it clear here that "Mrs. Mary Parker" never found this address in a private, or any other kind of search. I know they're liars, but it'd be nice if they were better at it. Anyway, I decided to take the "Beloved" thing and run with it:
My Dearest Beloved Mrs. Mary Parker,
First, I want to make it absolutely clear to you that I was in no way embarrassed by your heartfelt missive. Your correspondence is the highlight of my day. As a fellow God's Warrior, I understand your desire to disburse the funds, which is GBP£7,500,000 (Seven Million Five Hundred Thousand Great Britain Pounds£) in order that many churches and NGOs might be founded to spread the Word, Light and Love of Jesus Christ Almighty Lord and Saviour who Died on the Cross and was Risen to Cleanse Our Sins. Please contact me on AOL IM (America On Line Instant Messenger) at the Screen Name xxxxx so that we might further discuss the transfer of funds.
Yours in Christ,
Adam Discordia
I still don't understand how these people could possibly believe this. I mean honestly, do they really believe that my exchanging emails in broken English with "Mrs. Mary Parker" has become the highlight of my day? I realize that its impossible to get a sense of time in this format, but it had only been two days at this point (I first emailed Mrs. Mary Parker on January 24th; I sent the one above on the 26th.) Once again, Mrs. Mary Parker was all too happy to reply:
Subject: URGENT FROM MRS.MARY PARKER
Dear Beloved,
Good day,i got your mail asking about how i got your email address,it was during my seaching for a trusted and God fearing person on internet i come across your email address,which was reveal to me by God to write you for assitance.please do as i said after the MONEY has be transfered to your account,be faithful to God.
Blessings to you beloved. Your words in your response have given me great Joy this is a good work of charity project I have placed in your hands. My dear I will only say to you with reason of my throat cancer I am unable to speak but all I want is that the money is first safe in your account before I meet the Lord so that it can be used for the intended purpose.
I have told you in confidence that I want the project to be kept very secret and details of my contact with you should not be disclosed to anybody and this is because my husband's family might want to do everything to gain possession of this money for their own selfish interest.
My dear the bank in possession of the money is in Europe, the money can be transferred to your account electronically once you activate the DORMANT ACCOUNT and I need the following details below to send LETTER OF AUTHORIZATION to the bank in Europe that you are now the sole beneficiary see below:
NAME IN FULL:
CONTACT ADDRESS:
COUNTRY:
TEL:
FAX:
OCCUPATION:
I want you to know now that if the project does not take place it will be your fault as I have done all in my power to see that everything works in the manner that we have discussed.
My dear, I want you to have faith and pray always knowing the task ahead and the bold step I have taken to give you this money, I need you to always stay focused and follow instructions, there is need for prayers as obstacles will arise but all that stand against the success of this transfer and the project proper will fall.
Let me rest and leave you to pray and build your mind towards the task ahead and also always be in contact with me. It is very important that you complete this project in good faith even if I join my husband before time and always know your share of the funds is 20% and the balance must be used for the project proper which is 80% dispatching it to the list of the charity organisation that i'll be sending to you.
May God bless you.
Your sister in the lord
Mrs . Mary Parker
Come to think of it, I don't think "Mrs. Mary Parker" is reading my emails at all; I never asked how she found my email address. It's no matter, she's promised me 1.5 million pounds! At the current exchange rate, that's a 2.95 million dollars (Two Million Nine Hundred Fifty Thousand United States Dollars.) Finally, something good comes from a weak dollar. Oh, and remember her "esophageal cancer?" Now it's "throat cancer." Poor "Mrs. Mary Parker."
Obviously, I can't wait much longer to get my hands on this money and spread the Word. I quickly draft my reply:
My Most Dearly Beloved Mrs. Mary Parker,
Good morning to you, my love. I hope this message finds you well. I would be more than happy to supply you with all of the information you need in order to move the enterprise forward, which is the transfer of your late husband's monies, which are £.0075 Billion GBP (£Point Zero Zero Seven Five Billion Great Britain Pounds) of which %20 will revert to my possession while the rest will serve to spread the Word and Love of The Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit Amen.
However, I must ask one small favour of you before I simply hand over my informations. May I see a picture of you? I've no doubt that you are as beautiful a woman as I have imagined, but I would like to know for sure. I'm sure you are far more beautiful than I can possibly imagine. As a show of Good Faith, I will supply some of my information now, the rest will come when I have truly seen your beauty.
Name: Adam Tiberius Discordia
Country: United States of America
Occupation: Independent Plumber
Once again, I look forward to further correspondence with you, my dear.
Yours in Christ,
Adam T. Discordia
"Mrs. Mary Parker" took a couple days to reply; I do usually lose them at this point. I assumed "Mrs. Mary Parker" had given up. I didn't really give it much more thought. I was wrong though. Turns out "Mrs. Mary Parker" was preparing documents to send me!
Subject: CERTIFICATE_OF_DEPOSIT/LETTER_OF_AUTHORITY ATTACH PLEASE CONTACT BANK NOW
Dear Beloved Adam Tiberius Discordia, (Note: That was their bolding -ed)
Thank you for your details and email, I needed to becareful due to the money involved,but now that you have proven to me that you are a remarkable, honest and trustworthy of your words. I am very happy about this, you have earned my full respect and trust, and I hope you will live up to the respect I have for you. I am very confident doing this transaction with you and please do not let me down.
In this light, I have sent you the Name of the bank and the name of the person in-charge that you will contact and make enquiries on your funds. Please find below the bank details:
Name of Bank : LLOYDS TSB BANK PLC.
Name of officer : Mr. Kelvin Kessinger
Email : lloydsbanktsbinfo@yahoo.co.uk
Tel: +44-7011-1475-09
+44-7024-0181-04
+44-7024-0622-36
Fax: +4487-0478-4664
I advice you to contact the bank because I have sent a LETTER OF AUTHORIZATION to them that you are now the sole beneficiary to this funds so that once the funds are released, they will be moved straight into your designated account in your country.
I also attached to this email a copy of the CERTIFICATE OF DEPOSIT. Please do make contact with the bank immediately so that the transfer can be effected to you on or before 4 working days.
However, I advice you always get back to me with any mail you received from bank so that I can know when they will be transfering the funds to you.
God Bless you.
Mrs. Mary Parker
There were to pictures attached too: (Note: I converted these to PNG then back to JPEG on my Linux box on the off chance they contained some kind of trojan. If they did, they're clean now.)
This is getting a little long, so I'm breaking it into two parts, despite what I said at the beginning. What can I say? I'm a fickle guy. Stay tuned for part two (Probably tomorrow)
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